Maybe it was the ultimate defining moment of my recent life.
May 2008 - I was in Paris (France) working for an international company. The job was going well, money was again coming in steady amounts (there had been problems with that earlier in the year), the job, as an IT specialist, was going well, I was really fitting well into the scheme of things. I was away from home and my wife five days a week – OK that was a problem - but for the rest life was good, everything was looking up.
On the Monday evening (May 5th), I was walking near the Montparnasse railway station when I started getting severe pains in my chest – it felt something like chronic indigestion. It became so bad that I could not walk without being in severe pain. I could stand still, no problem. When I got back to the apartment where I was staying, I could sit down or lie down, no problem.
This went on for three days. Indigestion lasting for three days? Maybe not, but I continued being able to do the job well and without complaining, and that was the important thing. What else mattered?
The Thursday was a public holiday in France. I took the train early that morning and went home to Frankfurt. Wives being what they are, my wife was concerned. I shrugged off the concern – I would manage, somehow. As long as I was working, as long as I had money coming in, life would be OK.
After one experience on the Saturday when she had me walk halfway across the city, this concern rose to great anxiety. Even so I was even capable of having sex on the Saturday without too much difficulty.
We hit the crucial point on the Sunday. My gut instinct was to go to the station and get on the train, and go back to Paris. My wife implored me to go to the hospital for a check-up, if only for her peace of mind. You should always follow your gut instinct. I didn’t, I caved in – I went to the hospital as requested against my better judgement.
The tests that followed indicated that I had had a heart attack, and needed a triple bypass operation. They gave me a form to sign to agree to the operation. I could have signed the area indicating that I would refuse the operation and take responsibility for the consequences. I was about to do that – I still had time to catch the train and get back to Paris. My wife gave me that look. I agreed to the operation.
It was the worst decision of my life. The operation became three operations, I was 26 days living a nightmare while all the hospital treatment went on, and then I was another month in a rehab clinic.
This was bad? IMHO far worse happened. While I was in intensive care, the company’s client in Paris informed them that they were not prepared to wait three months for me to recover ….
By the time I came home in August, the financial future for me personally looked grim. The company had few other clients, and had to put me on part-time. I switched on television a couple of days later – the news. Lehman Brothers had collapsed, Merrill Lynch was going the same way, AIG was in trouble, European banks were in a state of panic as their massive losses became apparent…. The chance of finding another job or the company finding another client where I could work looked extremely bleak.
I lived for nine months on a very modest part-time salary (no performance bonuses either as you got with the full-time job) and used up my savings to keep us alive. Leave, register as unemployed? I am a foreign national here, I did not want the stigma, or to have to work my way through the bureaucracy. I want(ed) to be responsible for my own life, not dependant upon others, I had been economically viable as an individual I did not want to become economically dependant.
In June 2009, they finally had to lay me off as there was no new work coming in. Understandably. Since which time I have been on the government’s unemployment books as they try to work out what to do with me.
My doctor thinks that, within reason, I could go back to my previous career, or another desk job in line with my abilities would be in order. I have applied for dozens of positions – nothing (ageism is rife anyway – particularly in IT - and when they look at your date of birth and your recent medical record, they are not impressed, even if my track record, my performance level, and my references are very good. That is my assessment, at least).
I have tried to get work as a translator (German, French or Dutch to English) – apart from four days work last May, nothing! I have tried to get work doing English proofreading – eight days work last year, otherwise nothing! I go through the listings on Elance.com and Freelancer.com every day, and apply for everything appropriate. Nothing!!!! I have tried writing on Helium.com – apparently I am a good writer. 120 Euro income in 12 months (and they have recently changed the payment methods, so that income has been cut).
I need ideas that suit my talents (and don’t talk to me about selling or getting referrals etc, thank you) and allow me to earn a decent income. To date nothing!!!!
I am now on a German government work experience course learning new IT skills, but the demand for those do not seem all that great.
I should, without question, have refused the operation in May 2008 and gone back to my job. I would have still had money coming in. I would have had my self-respect intact. I would still be economically viable. Even with my wife now working full-time (though being paid peanuts for a job which hardly matches her qualifications), we are in severe financial difficulties, and things get worse by the day. Life has become a complete nightmare.
Postscript (24/6/2025).
In passing whether this was the absolute worst decision of my life is open to question. Other major mistakes including:
1. Deciding to go into teaching for a living. Yes, I wanted to give something back for all the opportunities which I had had (being the first person from my family ever to have a university education, for example). But I had the wrong personality for the job entirely. I was far too shy and not persuasive enough. Teachers are in many ways like sales people, you have to be able to get the point over and I did simply not have the personality to do that.
2. Buying an apartment in an old building in Manchester. It was cheap and affordable (OK), but why became obvious. It needed a lot of repairs and extra costs. Having a comfortable interior is insufficient when the property itself needs constant repairs - and that is definitely not my thing.
3. I should include a couple of relationships which I had with different girlfriends. No names given and no futher details.
What could qualify, but lack of practical alternatives means that it probably does not - leaving the UK permanently far earlier would have improved my life enormously. It is noticeable that of the 7 pivotal events in my life, 5 occurred after I left. As I was already 45 when I did leave permanently and I was trying to make up for last time, obviously going to what were then far more liberal countries (the Netherlands or Germany, really) would have offered more opportunities.
The trouble with this argument is, that in order to have succeed, you need to have a career possibilty lined up and until I had turned 40, that possibility did not exist.
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