A few significant questions which are often asked, and relevant answers (this may be the first batch – I reserve the right to come back to this important, world-shattering subject some time later in history – if I remember, or if I can be bothered):
Q: Why are we here?
A: Because one night your father and mother chose to do what comes naturally, and did not use any protective measures (hopefully your mother did at least consent, and maybe there were protective measures which sadly did not work, which makes you an unfortunate accident – console yourself in the fact that you are not alone in this respect).
Q: What is the purpose of life?
A: Getting through each day as best you can, preferably without having idiots ask irrelevant questions like this.
Q: What is the meaning of life?
A: The answer lies in your imagination (if you are reasonably intelligent), in the imagination of someone else (if you are not so intelligent and subject to gullibility), otherwise reach the conclusion that the question is irrelevant and get back to your bowl of rice, if you can still afford that.
Q: How did everything begin?
A: Depends upon your interpretation. Either God invented everything (OK, but if everything began with God doing things, so how did God get there – run away quickly before I get pinned down on that question), or the Big Bang happened (but then what caused the Big Bang – if nothing was there how could anything bang, or make other types of noise? Run away from that as well ….).
Unhappy with the explanation? Then get into an argument with your neighbour, who is bound to disagree about some of the detail. Then one of you can kill the other over this. Nothing strange about this – more people in history have been killed for this reason than for any other! So you will not be alone!
Q: Is there an after-life?
A: Ask me when I get there! And if you are doubtful about being able to talk to the dead, remember that there are thousands of people on this planet who claim to be able to do so. You are not that gullible? You are not that gullible???? Come on, these people make millions out of the morons (sorry, everyday normal people) who regularly consult them – so there must be summat to it, right? No????
Ah well, maybe you will have to make a guess or consult a local “teacher” (these guys who wear silly brown, black, purple or grey cassocks, or funny white hats (careful with these though, their command of English is often limited to a word which comes out something like “infidel”!), or maybe black cloaks with skullcaps, or some very pleasant gentlemen with crew cuts who also wear saffron robes. They all get paid (or freebies - see the men in saffron robes) to offer advice on this, and as they get paid for it, they cannot possibly be wrong, can they?).
Or you can read one of several texts (don't read all of them - they contradict each other and you will get confused!) that is at least 1500 years old, and contains absolute truths that cannot be questioned. These texts were still written when everyone believed that the world was flat, so they must be correct and unchallengeable.
Q: Should I fear death?
A: Depends really. If that person is aiming an axe at you at this very moment, or alternatively is pointing an automatic rifle in your direction as I speak, or alternatively is lighting the fuse to that strange looking device about 1 metre 20 away from your feet this very second, or maybe is now clipping the belt together around his/her waist and making a funny metallic sound as (s)he does so – probably, yes!
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