Health check

As I hit my 65th birthday last week and I ought to be on the point of senility and geriatrica, it is time for a quick (?) health check.

From the top downwards:

1. Hair. A success story - mainly. I can still grow it extremely long given the opportunity. Two negatives. It needs hair dye to look impressive (it was originally never black, but it is now!). And it needs me not to be married to an otherwise nice lady who possesses the crazy notion that men look better with short hair.

2. Skull - given the number of times I have banged into things with it over the years, it seems extremely resilient.

3. Brain - the real success story. Totally in gear, fully capable of all the necessary logical thinking to blow apart the nonsense from conservative politicians (and ultraconservative idiots like Nigel Farage & co), nationalists (except the wise ones in Scotland), advocates of neo-liberal economics (including debt and speculation and more debt and trickle down economics and "the poor only have themselves to blame and "anyone who wants a job can find one" and other trash thinking) and religious fanatics usw ..... Given some of the gunge that I was reading the other day about the fact that we all have to make sacrifices (why don't the people who caused the problems in the first place have to make all the sacrifices? That would be logical .....). And on the subject of reading -

4. Eyes. After being told a few years ago that my eyes were deteriorating with age, there has been summat of a rebound. I still need spectacles for reading, and if you are a committed computer freak like myself, reading is important. But I can walk around everywhere without needing them, which isn't the way I was told it should be a few years ago .....

5. Nose - I can still smell my wife's often exotic cooking, so it must be OK.

6. Ears. A bit nasty. Despite fierce attempts to clear the gunge out (see also above for gunge), blockages tend to occur which need clearing out professionally. There are occasions when your hearing does waiver, but that is not consistent. The worst though was when a fly decided to make a kamikaze attack in there last year and getting its corpse out was a serious problem (and also left me partially deaf for 2 days). Now you were saying? Sorry, could you repeat that. Oh, it's summat else that can make you deaf? Mmmmm - I thought that was supposed to be "blind". See "eyes" above.

7. Lips. No problems.

8. Mouth, teeth and throat. Well I open the mouth when I have to - talking for the sake of it seems unnecessary. The teeth are still natural if none too nice to look at (both my parents did not have natural teeth at this point of their lives, which means we can offer thanks to fluoride toothpaste and staying away from dentists!). The throat is usually alright. Of all parts of the anatomy it is the one that tells you most often that you are not healthy when it isn't working properly.

9. Beard and moustache. Living with my wife, I will never find out how well they might grow if allowed. Generally hair is not her favourite human feature on men. Some old photos of me with an impressive full growth in this area adorn the room. Those were the days!

10. Rest of face. Unimportant, I am not a film star.

11. Neck. Hardly know it is there.

12. Arms. Work well enough.

13. Shoulders. A weak point. pains in both keep me awake at night. My good lady puts it down to excessive computer usage, but if that is the case .....

14. Hands and fingers. In good shape (excessive computer use is not affecting them). I never was that dexterous, that said.

15. Chest - well see the next two items.

16. Lungs. Nearly killed me in 2008. You have an operation during which your lungs fill up with liquid and the second operation to clear them goes badly wrong .... As a life-long non-smoker I will never understand the story completely here. Breathing is causing no problem at the moment, so ....

17. Heart. Well after its major workover in 2008, it is doing its job untroubled.

18. Stomach and intestines. I have developed a weight problem despite not eating excessively, not eating rubbish food and getting plenty of exercise. Quite why then? No idea. Meanwhile the body waste facility (Mark 1, for Mark 2 see below) is strangely inconsistent. Some days it does not work at all, some days it needs using three or even four times.

19. Body waste facility Mark 2 and sex drive. In winter the first of these always seems to suggest that it is getting old and prone to overuse. Since the summer and the warm weather arrived though, usage has diminished. Dehydration? As for its second usage - it may be our generation which was obsessed with sex. I tend to think that people of my age who are obsessed with it are in a sad state. Mine works adequately on an occasional basis, no obsession, no need for further comment.

20. Legs (including thighs and knees). After the brain (see 3) probably the most successful story. I still walk a lot, and very quickly and never hardly notice any problems, even after 10 kilometres without a rest. That said I do not try running much.

21. Feet (including ankles and toes). No noticeable problems.

22. Overall - skin. A bit of a disaster area. Peeling on the skull, the back of the ears, the navel, both groins and even odd bits on the genitalia (ugh ....). Everything you try works for a short time and it then recurs. Not particularly painful, but summat of a nuisance. Sounds like a vitamin problem, but what exactly .....

That is about it really. So my enemies can whine that I am not dead yet, my friends (and the lovely lady to whom I am married) have more reason to be concerned about my economic health than my physical health - all donations welcome usw!