The item below I wrote for Helium.com, and then realised that it was off the subject. I thought that it was worth publishing anyway somewhere - even if runs away a bit from my normal approach on this blog. It is like so much in the advertising media with the "nuclear family" usw. There is no particular individual involved here, but the points are valid - if not personally relevant.
As you are drinking your morning coffee, staring through tired eyes across the room and wondering aloud: "God knows how I am going to get through the day", back he comes with his whizz-bang humour:
"No, he doesn't, but I know you will, you always do".
He is at once frighteningly blunt, carefully subtle, and, in his own gently humorous but intellectual fashion, infuriatingly charming. That is why you married him. It could not have been for his belief system.
Could it?
He has always been honest with you, about his life, what he believes, what he thinks, what he wants .... In many ways he is just another guy. A guy with a driven intellectual streak who does not listen to blarney, who will only be persuaded when he can see things with his own eyes, and does not understand the need for what strikes him as phoney or unreal.
But in most respects, he is just a normal guy. He is no anarchist, he believes that the civil law is there to serve a purpose and is happy to see wrongdoers put away rather than walking the streets looking for trouble. And he has been absolutely great at getting the kids to understand science, and explaining to them the logic of how things work in reality - or at least his sense of reality. Their grades in science tell you though that he may well be getting through, somehow!
Of course there are those atheists out there sticking up nasty aggressive billboards on the highway, decrying religious beliefs with venomous jeering, and being totally intolerant towards anyone who believes anything.
But when he feels that it is necessary, he will point out quietly that they are the exceptions in the atheist community (if such a community exists), similar to the fundamentalists who exist in all religious communities. You tolerate his opinions, he will tolerate yours, even if occasionally he will make jokes about it that you find, well slightly distasteful.
So when you are going to church on Sunday and the kids don't want to come, or are ill, he will take care of them and look after them and make sure they are usefully occupied. He loves them as much as he loves you - remember that.
And he gives you space to do what you want to do, and believe what you want to believe. He married you, remember, in spite of your beliefs. You must have had something that really appeals to him. If neither of you get into the bully pulpit and start preaching - which will only intensify any intellectual differences between you - the relationship works remarkably well. You think that spirituality has something to do with it, all well and good. He thinks that logic and reason play an important role, all well and good.
Occasionally you will go over the same ground, discuss the issues, raise the key points, emphasise the differences between you. Fine - as long as you want to keep it within reason, keep the tone serious but unaggressive, and know that you have to drop the subject if it ever becomes fractious. Eventually what purpose does emphasising the differences in a relationship serve?
And how long have you been together now? You must want similar, if not the same, things. You must have some chemistry that works. You must have learned to accept and tolerate each other's opinions by now? Right? So it is possible both to be true to your belief system and not to rock the boat. The more one partner tries to impose, the more the relationship will stumble and cracks will appear. But it is fanaticism that is the problem, not the belief (or the lack of belief) system.
And really would you have got this far if you had married a fanatic - of any description?
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